NBA Cellar Rankings Vol. III: Santa brought coal for the Hornets

The Pelicans now own the worst record in the NBA, but even that wasn’t enough to push them to the top.

Welcome to volume III of the NBA Cellar Dweller Power Rankings! We’re reaching a stage in the season that’s starting to really test my narrative ability, with game results that feel almost preordained. The good teams that started out rough like the Bucks and Knicks are starting to use the bad teams as doormats on their way to turning their seasons around; meanwhile, those bad teams are starting to transition to their annual stealth tanks.

Speaking of teams that started out rough (though I still wouldn’t use the word “good”), the Philadelphia 76ers have officially escaped the “cellar dweller” designation after beating the Boston Celtics in a Christmas Day thriller. Philly’s won 4 of their last 5 and are finally starting to look like a serious outfit.

As a reminder, teams are worse off the lower down this page they are, and I take into account their week’s performance and overall franchise outlook. Click here for last week’s column if you’d like a refresher.

6. Utah Jazz

Last week’s ranking: 4

This week’s record: 1-2 (Win over Brooklyn, losses to Cleveland and Portland)

Net rating: -9.0

Utah earns the bottom spot this week after being the only team in this group to beat a team from outside this group. Don’t get too excited, though — it was the Brooklyn Nets, who are practically begging to be included here. This week Utah also got dusted by Cleveland and got gamed by Portland with 0.1 seconds left to play.

Lauri Markkanen is finally starting to get it going — he’s averaging under 20 points per game on the season but scored over 20 in each of his last 4 games. I’m still confounded by Utah’s strategy with Markkanen, though, as he’s ineligible to be traded based on his contract extension and is playing his value down. He still wins them games, though, and they could have gotten five first round picks for him!

5. Portland Trail Blazers

Last week’s ranking: 6

This week’s record: 1-2 (Win over Utah, losses to Dallas and San Antonio)

Net rating: -9.3

The highlight of the Blazers’ week was Scoot Henderson calling game against the Jazz.

Other than that, Portland had an unremarkable week, getting smoked by Dallas and getting blocked TEN times by Victor Wembanyama. Those are the types of numbers I put up against my high school brother in the backyard over Christmas break.

Former Wizard Dani Avdija is sneakily shaping into a really valuable piece of the Blazers rotation, and he’s getting a bit more playmaking responsibility like he did last year in Washington:

4. Toronto Raptors

Last week’s ranking: 5

This week’s record: 0-3 (Losses to Houston, New York and Memphis)

Net rating: -6.0

The Raptors gave up 155 points to the Memphis Grizzlies Thursday night, 10 more than any other team has allowed in a game this season. Yikes.

The Raptors are a fun, ethical tank this season. Grizzlies game aside, they usually hang around by decently competitive margins before ultimately remembering that Cooper Flagg and Dylan Harper will be available in the upcoming draft. Their guys are hooping, too: RJ Barrett and Gradey Dick are averaging a combined 41.7 points per game, while Scottie Barnes is posting a cool 20/8/7.

3. New Orleans Pelicans

Last week’s ranking: 3

This week’s record: 0-3 (Losses to New York and Houston, overtime loss to Denver)

Net rating: -11.6

The Pelicans are a skeleton of a good basketball team, and their overtime loss against the Denver Nuggets was a solid proof of concept. Dejounte Murray and CJ McCollum each nearly posted a triple double, Trey Murphy III and Herb Jones caused headaches at the wings for Denver on both sides and Yves Missi proved a solid challenge for Nikola Jokić (at least, as solid a challenge as possible).

The problem in New Orleans right now is that guys like Brandon Boston, Daniel Theis and Javonte Green, end-of-rotation players on maybe two to three other NBA teams, are relied upon to play heavy minutes simply because they’re able to suit up. As the saying goes, the best ability is availability.

As this goes to publishing, the Pelicans have usurped the Wizards as the worst team in the NBA by winning percentage (.161). They’re FIVE AND TWENTY-SIX and on pace to win about 13 games, the lowest total since the 2016 Philadelphia 76ers went 10-72.

2. Washington Wizards

Last week’s ranking: 2

This week’s record: 1-2 (Win vs. Charlotte, losses vs. OKC and Milwaukee)

Net rating: -14.2

For the second consecutive week, the order of the top two spots came down to a Thursday night Wizards-Hornets game. Washington needed every coach’s challenge possible to secure a 113-110 win after a phantom offensive foul call on Bub Carrington and then an incorrect basket interference call on Alex Sarr.

Jordan Poole nailed a three to give Washington a two-point lead and then the Hornets inexplicably drew up a play for a catch-and-shoot three off the inbound pass with eight seconds left on the clock. Brandon Miller’s shot was off target and Justin Champagnie grabbed the game-sealing board to give the Wizards their fifth win of the season (and their second win against the Hornets in as many tries).

Other than the win against the Hornets, the Wizards predictably got smoked by the Milwaukee Bucks and OKC Thunder this week. I really appreciate the Wizards: they line up for the opening tip every night fully knowing they are about to lose by 20 while one of the other team’s starters scores their career high, and yet they still play extremely hard and clearly care about the game. Especially when calls are being reviewed late like in the Hornets game, you can tell from the Wizards’ facial expressions that they’re bought in and invested, particularly guys like Bub Carrington and Jordan Poole. Oh, and Bilal Coulibaly of course, who has become one of my top five favorite players in the NBA.

1. Charlotte Hornets

Last week’s ranking: 1

This week’s record: 0-3 (Losses to Philly, Houston and Washington)

Net rating: -6.5

I have nothing to add about the Hornets’ dreadful late-game execution against the Wizards. If not for LaMelo Ball they would be by far the worst team in the NBA.

Luckily they looked a little better earlier in the week against the Houston Rockets, when they scored 70 points in the second half. Unfortunately, they did so while desperately trying to dig themselves out of the 62-31 hole in which they were buried at halftime, and they ultimately fell 114-101.

With the Detroit Lions’ recent success in the NFL, I was starting to discard the belief that certain sports franchises are doomed to suffering for eternity. The Hornets provide a perfect counterweight to the Lions and prove that some franchises truly are just cursed. The last time Charlotte won a playoff series was so long ago that the series was best-of-five and Patrick Ewing was on the team that they beat.

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Around the Association this week, we were blessed with a beautiful slate of Christmas Day games, all five of which were nail-biters. The highlight of the day was Victor Wembanyama leaving 42 points, 18 rebounds and four blocks under the tree. Apologies to my grandma, whose delicious Christmas dinner had to run parallel to Lakers-Warriors. Sorry, Grandma, but how many more times are we gonna get to watch Steph versus LeBron?

The most impressive thing I saw this week was 39-year-old Chris Paul putting Tyrese Maxey in a straightjacket and forcing a shot clock violation.