Wizards finally won one: NBA Cellar Dweller Power Rankings Volume I

Last year’s weekly column about the bottom of the NBA’s barrel is back!

Last year I had a ton of fun writing a weekly column dissecting and ranking the worst teams in the NBA, so I’m bringing it back this year. Welcome to year two of the NBA Cellar Dweller Power Rankings!

With a prospect like Cooper Flagg on the horizon, we’re about to witness some of the most hilariously brazen tanking we’ve seen since a certain Frenchman who shall remained unnamed was about to make his way over to the States. I’ve included six teams in the first edition of these rankings, five of whom I would consider to be “tanking.” As for that sixth team, I’m just hoping this article never reaches eastern Pennsylvania.

You will not find the Brooklyn Nets, Chicago Bulls or Portland Trail Blazers among the Cellar Dwellers quite yet, though any one of those teams could easily employ Flagg this time next year. They’ll all be joining us in the coming weeks.

Scores and stats in this volume span from Wednesday, Dec. 4 to Thursday, Dec. 12. Going forward, I will be publishing this column every Friday, with scores and stats current to the Thursday night before.

6. Philadelphia 76ers

Season record: 7-15

Week’s record: 2-1

Season net rating: -4.9

The Sixers will probably elevate out of this weekly column entirely, but I’m still including them as a Cellar Dweller early on as punishment for the trainwreck they’ve been so far this year.

Two things have defined the Sixers this season: injuries and disappointing free agents. Joel Embiid and Paul George have only played 19 games combined this season, and the trio of those two plus Tyrese Maxey has only shared the court twice. Rookie of the Year favorite Jared McCain has also been lost indefinitely due to injury.

The Sixers’ offseason signees have failed to hold down the fort with Embiid and George out. Getting Eric Gordon on a minimum deal was a big pickup for Philly in theory, but he’s been so bad that that minimum may just be his final NBA contract. Eastern Conference playoff villain Caleb Martin was another celebrated signing, but he’s pretty much invisible most nights. Reggie Jackson is not in the rotation, and there’s way, way too much Andre Drummond going on.

The vibes are bad in Philly. Some nights it’s just Gerschuon Yabusele and Jared McCain running around out there while the rest of the Sixers limp and sulk their ways to the final buzzer. Luckily, the Sixers are a chic in-season turnaround candidate; that being said, it’s very difficult to imagine this squad winning a playoff series, let alone reaching the NBA Finals like their preseason ceiling would have suggested. At least the Eagles are good.

5. Washington Wizards

Season record: 3-19

Week’s record: 1-2

Season net rating: -16.2

On Saturday night I stood in my living room with my jaw agape, rubbing my eyes like a cartoon character unable to process what was unfolding in front of me. The Washington Wizards — losers of every single game in November — defeated the Denver Nuggets in what may have been Nikola Jokić’s best game of all time.

The box score for this game is truly one of a kind, one of the most horrifically beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Jokić posted a career-high 56 points on 39 shots, along with 16 rebounds and 8 assists. Russell Westbrook came three points shy of a triple double with 7 points, 10 rebounds and 12 assists, as well as a quartet of steals. Michael Porter Jr. dished out a career-high SIX (!!!!!!!!) assists.

On the Wizards side, Jordan Poole had his second highest-scoring game as a Wizard with 39 points, while Justin Champagnie scored a career-high 23. Both Johnny Davis and Anthony Gill also saw the floor in a game where, as a reminder, the Wizards beat the Nuggets.

Wizards, enjoy your time at the top of these rankings, because that win over the Nuggets is temporarily masking what is shaping up to be one of the least serious outfits in NBA history. Washington was outscored by 64 points in two games not against Denver this week. In fact, the Wizards currently possess the worst net rating ever — the average Wizards game is a 16.2-point loss. The season’s still young and there are still a number of veterans to be moved, but this Wizards season is shaping up to be a “The Process”-level comedy of errors. At least the Commanders are pretty good.

4. New Orleans Pelicans

Season record: 5-21

Week’s record: 1-3

Season net rating: -11.4

If reading this from New Orleans, watch your step. The injury bug seems to be airborne around there right now.

19 players have already suited up for the Pelicans, and not one has played all 26 of the team’s games (Yves Missi and Jeremiah Robinson-Earl lead the team with 25 played). The Pelicans’ Basketball Reference page is rich with names I’ve either never even heard or haven’t heard in years. Lest we forget Elfrid Payton spent a week in New Orleans and dished out 21 assists in a game.

The vultures are circling in New Orleans. Who among Zion Williamson, CJ McCollum, Dejounte Murray, Brandon Ingram and Trey Murphy III may be available is currently unknown, but at 16 games below .500 already, this Pelicans season is lost.

3. Charlotte Hornets

Season record: 7-17

Week’s record: 1-2

Season net rating: -5.5

There’s a lot of fun stuff happening in Charlotte right now. It’s just not translating to wins.

LaMelo Ball has been out since late November with an injury, but in 18 games this season he’s posting 31.1 points per game. Brandon Miller is also blossoming in year two and has upped his scoring average to 22.1 a night, albeit on slightly diminished efficiency. Vasilije Micić — a future Cellar Dweller Power Rankings first-ballot hall-of-famer — has also recovered from a string of early-season DNPs and is scoring and dishing like it’s late March again.

Charlotte is still an incomplete team, and the Queen City’s history of basketball ineptitude is certainly still being written. But if Ball is able to get right and Miller turns into the perennial All-Star he looks like he’s shaping up to be, then the Hornets at the very least have a foundation in place.

2. Utah Jazz

Season record: 5-18

Week’s record: 1-1

Season net rating: -9.5

What the hell happened here?

The Jazz had a net rating of -2 this week — they beat the Portland Trail Blazers by 42 and lost to the Sacramento Kings by 44. Without Lauri Markkanen versus the Blazers, nine of the ten Jazzmen who played scored in double figures, led by Johnny Juzang’s 22. Then Markkanen returned and Utah let the Kings moonwalk to 141 points.

It seems the Jazz have finally retired their annual tradition of playing .500 ball for a couple months before going into a tailspin. The tailspin started from the opening tip this season.

1. Toronto Raptors

Season record: 7-19

Week’s record: 0-4

Season net rating: -5.1

This here is what you call an ethical tank. The Raptors are already 12 games below .500, but their net rating is -5.1, which indicates they’re hanging around in games before ultimately losing down the stretch.

There’s a lot to like on this team. Ochai Agbaji is starting to come together as a real player in this league, and he’s doubled his point per game average to 11.3. Gradey Dick’s sophomore leap has been monumental, and he’s upped his scoring output by a full 10 points per game. Jakob Poeltl is having by far his best statistical season at age 29 and should command a good haul back at the trade deadline. I like the Lakers and Hawks as Poeltl fits.

That being said, ethical tanking is still tanking. The Raptors were the only winless squad among these teams this week, and though they kept it close-ish with the Knicks and Mavs, they got absolutely hammered by the Thunder. I feel like this clip says a lot about the Raptors’ season, but I’m still trying to figure out how.